


Guilty Tea Party

by Gravytrain101



Series: Hogan's Heroes Oneshots [30]
Category: Hogan's Heroes (TV 1965)
Genre: Alternate episode, Annoyed Burkhalter, Comfort, Guilty LeBeau, Laid Back Wilson, Lullabies, Passing Out, Stomach Ache, Sucpicious Burkhalter, Unconscious Hogan, Worried Klink, bad food, comforting touches, worried team
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-09
Updated: 2021-02-09
Packaged: 2021-03-14 22:40:37
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,381
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29303616
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gravytrain101/pseuds/Gravytrain101
Summary: LeBeau, as requested, has made his famous hors d'oeuvres for the small tea party. But what does he do when he runs out of one of the ingredients? He improvises and starts to use marinated dog food instead. Colonel Hogan, not knowing what it actually is, eats one and doesn't feel to well afterwards.Or, an alternate take on "That's No Lady, That's My Spy" (Season 6, Episode 17).
Relationships: Andrew Carter & Robert Hogan, Robert Hogan & James Kinchloe, Robert Hogan & Louis LeBeau, Robert Hogan & Peter Newkirk, Robert Hogan & Wilhelm Klink
Series: Hogan's Heroes Oneshots [30]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1875991
Comments: 7
Kudos: 3





	Guilty Tea Party

**Author's Note:**

> Once again, this is an alternate take on Season 6, Episode 17. Please read and enjoy!

Hogan’s POV:  
“Thank you LeBeau,” I said as I took one of his hors d’oeuvres off the tray he had, “The ladies are loving these. You might have to give some of them the recipe.” 

“I hope not Colonel Hogan,” he whispered as I put the hors d’oeuvre in my mouth, “I ran out of what I was using so I had to improvise.” 

“LeBeau,” I said as I stopped chewing, “What did I just put in my mouth?” 

“I’m not sure that you want to know sir,” he said, suddenly feeling guilty about not warning me before I ate it. 

“LeBeau,” I warned. 

“Marinated dog food. But I put in so much seasoning in it that they can’t even tell,” he rushed to say, “I mean you can’t tell, can you sir?” 

“No I can’t LeBeau,” I said as I swallowed part of it, “I wish you would’ve warned me before I ate one though.” 

“I’m sorry Colonel Hogan,” he sighed, “I will make it up to you with a meal you love.” 

“Good,” I said as a lady came up to us and pulled him away for the recipe, “Looking forward to it.” 

God does this thing taste terrible. And knowing what it actually is isn’t helping. I still have a little bit to swallow, but now I don’t want to. But I know I can’t spit it out. It would be rude but also attract attention to the ladies scarfing them down in the center of the room. I turned my head away from the ladies, so they wouldn’t see me struggle to eat the food that they are going nuts over. It took a couple of minutes, but I finally chewed it down enough, so I could swallow it without choking or gagging on it. 

“Colonel Hogan?” Klink asked, “Are you alright?” 

“Just fine Kommandant,” I answered as I turned back to Klink and Burkhalter. 

“As I was saying,” Klink said as I walked back over to the two of them, “The ladies seem to be enjoying the hors d’oeuvres LeBeau is making. Have you tried them Hogan?” 

“I have, and they are great,” I told them as I beckoned Carter over here with a tray of them, “Try them gentleman, you won’t be sorry.” 

“Don’t mind if I do,” Klink said as he grabbed one off the tray. 

“Thank you,” Burkhalter said as he took one as well. 

Almost immediately after Carter shoved the tray of those “lovely” hors d’oeuvres in my face, I regretted it. Just the sight of them makes my stomach churn. I shouldn’t have had that hors d’oeuvre. It was just one small piece of food, but it already isn’t agreeing with me. 

LeBeau’s POV:  
“Are you alright sir?” I asked as I walked up to him and put my hand on his arm, “You look like you’re going to be sick.” 

“I think I might be,” he whispered as he placed his hand over his stomach, “Those hors d’oeuvres of yours don’t agree with me.” 

“I should’ve told you what they really were right away Colonel Hogan,” I said. 

Before I could continue my apology, I saw his eyes shut and his body go limp right in front of me. He started to fall towards me. I threw my tray of “precious” hors d’oeuvres, grabbed Colonel Hogan, and fell with him to the floor. 

“Colonel Hogan!” Klink gasped as he dropped to his side. 

“Kommandant Klink,” I said as I propped Colonel Hogan up so his back was pressed to my chest, “Please call for an ambulance.” 

“I’ll do that right away,” he told me before he stood to leave to make that phone call. 

“Hold it!” Burkhalter exclaimed as he put a stop to Klink moving any further to the phone, “How do we know he’s not pulling our leg? He could be faking it.” 

“General Burkhalter,” Klink started as Kinch and Carter made their way over here, “He doesn’t look good.” 

“Well he never looked good,” Burkhalter snapped as he peered over Colonel Hogan, “Take him to his barracks and tend to him there. If he really is in need of medical assistance then let your camp medic look him over.” 

“General Burkhalter,” Klink started again. 

“I’ve given my orders! Now you give yours,” Burkhalter snapped before he turned to the ladies that stood there silently, “Come this way ladies. Nothing to see here.” 

“You heard him!” Klink ordered, “Bring Colonel Hogan to his barracks.” 

“I think he needs a doctor Colonel Klink!” I exclaimed as I looked over my unconscious commanding officer that lay in my arms. 

“Do as I say, or you will be sent to 30 days in the cooler!” he yelled before he left to help Burkhalter with the distraught ladies. 

“What happened?” Kinch asked once Klink left the three of us alone with Colonel Hogan, “Did anyone see him fall? Did he hit his head?” 

“I saw it,” I sighed, “He ate one of my hors d’oeuvres, got sick, and passed out.” 

“Your hors d’oeuvres?” Kinch asked, “Why would he pass out from that?” 

“Because. I ran out of ingredients early on and had to improvise,” I whispered, “I started marinating dog food.” 

“Dog food?” Carter exclaimed, “Why would you let the Colonel eat dog food!” 

“I told him what it was after he ate it,” I said, “I should’ve warned him right away. We wouldn’t be in this mess if it wasn’t for me.” 

“We can speculate about later. Right now, let’s get him out of here,” Kinch started, “Carter and I will carry him back to our barracks. LeBeau, could you get the doors for us and then go get Wilson while we change him and get him settled in bed?” 

“Oui,” I said, happy to have something to do to help Colonel Hogan instead of hurt him again. 

I walked ahead of Kinch and Carter to get the doors and clear the pathway of any big rocks or other objects that might trip them. Because I did that, it made the trip back to our barracks a lot smoother which helped everyone involved. 

I entered Colonel Hogan’s room first and quickly turned on the light. Then I went to the bottom bunk in the room and pulled back the blankets, so they can lay him down while I ran to get Wilson. 

Wilson’s POV:  
“Wilson!” LeBeau yelled as he ran into the infirmary, “We need your help!” 

“What has he done now?” I asked as I searched for my medical bag and any other necessary tools. 

“He passed out from eating,” he answered. 

“Passed out from eating? Like eating too much?” I asked, wanting to make sure this was actually a medical emergency. 

“No. He ate one of my hors d’oeuvres that was made with dog food,” he explained, “I ran out of ingredients and had to improvise. Colonel Hogan ate one, felt sick afterwards, and passed out!” 

“Doesn’t sound too serious,” I said as I grabbed my medical bag, “Let’s go. Lead the way.” 

  
LeBeau’s POV:  
I walked with Wilson back to our barracks and into Colonel Hogan’s room where Wilson started to examine him right away. It only took a few minutes before he stood up and began to tell us what he found. 

“Just what I suspected,” he said as he started to put his instruments away. 

“What? Is it bad?” Carter asked, “Will he live?” 

“Of course he’ll live,” he answered with a chuckle, “He just has a horrible stomach ache, little bit of a sweat but nothing more.” 

“That’s it?” Kinch asked, “He doesn’t need his stomach pumped?” 

“God no,” Wilson answered, “You only get your stomach pumped when you are poisoned, had too much alcohol in your body, or too much medication in your body. Colonel Hogan has none of these.” 

“But the dog food?” I asked. 

“Yes. He did eat dog food, but he will be just fine. It’s made from stuff that humans eat anyway,” he explained, “Trying a new food that ends up disagreeing with you is normal. And Colonel Hogan might’ve been a little disgusted with the fact that he just ate dog food. The brain can do incredible things, even make a person appear to be incredibly sick when they just have a stomach ache. He tried something he never normally would and then got so frazzled by it that he worked himself sick as a result.” 

“Can we do anything?” Carter asked. 

“Keep him comfortable,” Wilson shrugged, “Give him some tea or soup. Place some warm bottles of water on his stomach to act as a heating pad. He might throw the food back up so keep a bucket nearby as well as some pain meds and water. Nothing else you can do.” 

“But he passed out? Shouldn’t he be awake by now?” I asked. 

“He’ll wake up soon,” Wilson told us as he picked up his bag, “He will be just fine. Just do what I told you to help him get over this stomach bug faster.” 

“We will. Thanks, Wilson,” Kinch said as he walked him out. 

“Carter, could you go get some things Wilson was talking about?” I asked as I pulled up a chair to sit next to Colonel Hogan’s bed. 

“Like what sort of things?” he asked, already forgetting the instructions given to us a few seconds ago. 

“Grab a bucket, warm water bottles, towels, pain meds, and some water,” I answered. 

“I’ll be right back,” he said before he left the room and Kinch walked back in with Newkirk who was still in the dress. 

“What took you so long?” I asked, glad that we finally get to see Newkirk. 

“Burkhalter and Klink were checking over all the ladies, making sure everyone was alright,” he answered as he started to take off his disguise, “I had to excuse myself to the restroom just so I could get away. I climbed out the window and ran over here. Anyway, how is he?” 

“He’ll be fine,” Kinch said, “Just has a bad reaction to the food he ate. Like a stomach bug.” 

“I’m glad that’s all it is then,” Newkirk sighed, “I was worried it was something more serious. Is there anything we need to do?” 

“I got everyone you asked for LeBeau!” Carter exclaimed as he interrupted our conversation with a bucket filled with things I asked him to get. 

“No, there’s nothing that you guys can do. I’d like to sit up with him for a while if you don’t mind?” I asked, “And thank you Carter.” 

“We don’t mind,” Kinch said as he gestured to Newkirk and Carter to get out of Colonel Hogan’s room, “We’ll be out here if you need anything.” 

“Thanks Kinch,” I said as he closed the door. 

I grabbed the warm water bottles and a towel and wrapped them, not wanting it to be too hot for him but warm enough to soothe the pain. When they were ready, I pulled back the blanket a little and placed them on his stomach. Once I was sure the bottles were in a position where they wouldn’t fall off, I pulled the blanket back up to his chin. 

Not knowing what else to do while I wait for him to wake up, I started to run my fingers through his hair and sing him a French lullaby that I love: 

On dit qu'au delà des mers  
Là-bas sous le ciel clair  
Il existe une cité  
Au séjour enchanté  
Et sous les grands arbres noirs  
Chaque soir  
Vers elle s'en va tout mon espoir  
J'ai deux amours  
Mon pays et Paris  
Par eux toujours  
Mon cœur est ravi  
Ma savane est belle  
Mais à quoi bon le nier  
Ce qui m'ensorcelle  
C'est Paris, Paris tout entier  
Le voir un jour  
C'est mon rêve joli  
J'ai deux amours  
Mon pays et Paris  
Quand sur la rive parfois  
Au lointain j'aperçois  
Un paquebot qui s'en va  
Vers lui je tends les bras  
Et le cœur battant d'émoi  
A mi-voix  
Doucement je dis "emporte-moi !"  
J'ai deux amours....

“Mmm,” he moaned once the song ended, “LeBeau?” 

“Oui,” I said as I continued to run my fingers through is hair, “How are you feeling?” 

“Better than before,” he said as he put his hand over the water bottles and shifted a bit, so they wouldn’t fall off, “How did I end up here?” 

“You passed out so Kinch and Carter carried you back. Wilson checked you over and said that you just have a stomach ache from the food you ate,” I explained, “Does your stomach hurt? I have some pain meds here just in case.” 

“It feels a lot better from the warm water bottles,” he said as he sat up a little, “Might as well take some pain meds just in case. I would like to get a good night sleep tonight.” 

“Here,” I said as I placed two pills in one hand and a glass of water in the other, “Colonel Hogan, I wanted to apologize about before. I should’ve warned you about what was really in the food tonight. It’s my fault that you’re now sick from it. But I will make it up to you! I can do your laundry for a month? Shave your face for a month, so you don’t have to? Anything.” 

“LeBeau,” he started as he handed back the glass, “You don’t have to do anything. It was an accident and could’ve happened to anybody. Plus, you’re taking care of me now which I think is more than enough.” 

“But Colonel Hogan,” I started. 

“No “buts” LeBeau. You don’t have to do anything extra, and you are forgiven,” he told me as he laid back down.

“Yes sir,” I said, disappointed there wasn’t anything more I could do. 

“There actually is one thing you could do LeBeau,” Colonel Hogan said to me with his eyes closed. 

“Yes sir?” I asked, glad to do anything to help. 

“Could you sing that lullaby again? It sounded nice,” he asked, “But you don’t have to if you don’t want to.” 

“I’ll be happy to,” I told him as I started to run my fingers through his hair again and start the song again, “On dit qu'au delà des mers….”

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you liked it! Let me know what you think down below! 
> 
> Here is the English translation of the lullaby used in the story:  
> It is said that beyond the seas  
> There under the clear sky  
> There is a city  
> At the Enchanted stay  
> And under the big black trees  
> Every night  
> To her goes all my hope  
> I have two loves  
> My country and Paris  
> By them always  
> My heart is delighted  
> My Savannah is beautiful  
> But why deny it  
> What bewitches me  
> It's Paris, All Paris  
> See him one day  
> This is my dream pretty  
> I have two loves  
> My country and Paris  
> When on the shore sometimes  
> In the distance I see  
> An ocean liner going away  
> To him I extend my arms  
> And the beating heart of emotion  
> Half voice  
> Slowly I say " Take me away !"  
> I have two loves....


End file.
